No big deal. I survived Metallica at the Oakland Coliseum for Day On The Green which looked a lot like this:
STOP! A METALLICA-RELATED DIVERSION:
A quick diversion for a rant about my Metallica experience. Note the picture above which is representative of the "mosh pit". My Metallica experience was like this but worse. If you replace the small girl behind the guy at center with a similarly sized small girl wearing these leather thingies with sharp steel studs on them on her forearms, and if you imagine those forearm thingies digging into my back for two hours, then you have some small sense of the Metallica experience. If you also imagine the other girl reaching down to sexually assault this guy (representing me but with hair), then now you have my Metallica experience in a nutshell. I think this combination of sex and violence was more recently encapsulated in a movie called "50 Shades of Grey". It is probably a bit like the mosh pit, but with sexy Swedish vampires or some such. I don't care.
I'll return to the Metro in a bit, but I would first like to make a sociological observation about Mexico City. This is something we observed at the Zocalo, El Palacio Nationale, Chapultepec, Templo Mayor or just about anywhere else in Mexico City where 20's something men and women are found together (which is everywhere).
The subject of this "Grumpy Guy Diatribe" is the Public Display of Affection common in Mexico City. I never did learn the phrases "Get a frickin room!" or "Her tonsils are operable!" in Spanish, but I will learn these before I venture again to Mexico City. I think these are a vernacular must, and Senora Sloan should have taught them to me in high school.
On behalf of the grumpy old men of Mexico City, I can only state that this new generation of Mexicans has the collective sex drive similar to that of ... I don't know ... a rabbit? What gives? You get away from your conservative Catholic parents and grandparents, and feel a collective need to get it on in public? Are there no drive-ins in Mexico City for this kind of activity?
Every sociological problem has a sociological solution. Mine is this ... Mexican Attack Squirrels are plentiful and can readily address this problem. I hypothesize that squirrel teeth will have a negative effect on the libido. Conservative Catholic parents and grandparents of Mexico City, you are welcome.
For the first twenty or so times I witnessed this kind of public coochie going on, I'd nudge my wife and say "Check it out." I'm just trying to point out this odd sociological drama playing out about us. My wife was a sociology major after all. She should show interest or at least feign interest for my sake. I'm sure she is thinking that this is one of my many ways to suggest that we should do the same. Not so. I just really, really don't want her to miss out on an opportunity to put that degree to use. You believe that, right?
My wife pays no heed to Professor Cultural Anthropologist's observation of the human condition in Mexico City. She is too busy deploying her foolproof anti-theft methodology. Women of the world, take note! This strategy is so full proof and simple that no thief would think of snatching your purse from you. Curious? Here we have a picture of my wife demonstrating said technique:
Notice how the purse is slung across the neck? That's it. This ensures that no thief can readily come up from behind and simply tug it off of her shoulder. Instead of slipping it off the arm and shoulder, the thief will either have to dislocate her neck or kindly ask for her purse. If the latter approach is taken, my wife would then confuse and astound the thief by deploying either of her two stock Spanish gibberish phrases. "No Que Pesos!" or, if she is particularly surly "No comprendes!" Truly fool proof verbal judo.
Between my near constant reminders to her that there are people getting rather amorous all over the place, I'm pointing out to her that her security system is somewhat flawed. As I think back on this, I was probably annoying as hell during this trip. My wife reads a lot, but I don't think she is aware of this most modern thieving invention. I think they are called "scissors" or something like that.
In the last couple of months, I also understand that some redneck in American named "Buck" created something he calls a "knife".
I recently read in Modern Thief magazine that thieves are deploying these new technologies for the sole purpose of defeating what my wife has copyrighted as the "You Can't Touch This!" security system. Look for a purchasing opportunity coming your way on one of those paid advertisement channels that the cable company makes you pay for. These thieves even call themselves "cutpurses". Mark my words, some day this new word will be common to our language.
Every large city has some version of Beverly Hills, and the Polanco serves that function nicely for Mexico City. I'll admit that I like to haggle. I'm as shrewd as an Arab camel trader. Nevertheless, I left off in the swanky shops of Polanco. No need to embarrass my family with the whole nickel and dime thing. I'll save that particular form of combat for the itinerant vendors. Polanco is very nice. In thinking of something "snarky" (I invented this word, by the way) to say about Polanco, I'm at a loss. I'll only comment to state that it is rather bland in an American way. Nice place, clean, etc. America.
The Metro ride back was entertaining. We hit rush hour. Avoid that at all costs unless you enjoy pushing and shoving. I kind of enjoy that on an individual basis. But when you are trying to make sure that you are getting all four of you onto the Metro, it can be a bit harrowing. Nonetheless, I will share the strategy with you. First off, recognize that the person behind you is likely to put his forearm across the small of your back and push like crazy. This has the salutary effect of getting you on the train. However, not all people push the same. It is simple physics. A small woman is not likely to push me far, but a larger man is likely to push one of my boys a bit further. Don't like physics? I'll dumb it down and approach this another way by reference to an old fashioned carnival game:
If the squirt gun is moving the white horsey way out in front, the white horsey is going to leave behind the lazy black horsey. That is not good. As the white horsey, Dominic got too far ahead and the lazy black horsey (me) had to grab onto his shoulder and yank him back. And, by the way, the doors don't pop open really easily like an elevator door. You really have to push ... hard. Absent fierce resistance to the doors, you will get stuck.
My wife and Alex demonstrated a rather ineffective technique with these doors. Both got caught midway onto the train, and both started pushing on the door in earnest. Problem solved, the doors grudgingly stayed open. However, neither had the capacity to let go first. You first. No, no. I insist you go first. The result is that neither of you get on, and I'm left yelling something stupid like "One of you pull the trigger!" or some other nonsensical redneck phrase.
Nonetheless, we ultimately were able to time getting shoved in the back correctly, and we all got on the same train. As you might guess, this pushing and shoving can sometimes lead to conflict of a near-Metallica like proportion. One teenager pushed an old man so hard that the old man put his hands up in front of his face as if the kid was going to hit him. This causes me to undertake what I call my "Two Second Mexican Jail Analysis."
If the teen tries to hit the old man, do I (in turn) use my God-given ape arms to reach over two other people and clip that kid on the jaw? If so, how long will I be spending in a Mexican jail? I imagine weeks before I even get arraigned, and I don't know "get yourself out of jail" Spanish. This is also something that would have been handy to learn in high school. Recognizing my inherent inability to navigate the Mexican judicial system, I just kind of stood there thinking. Fortunately, the teen just smirked and left it alone.
Tragi-comedy avoided, and we move on in search of what must be the last Dr. Pepper left in Mexico City. After stops at two 7-11's and one Circle K, we locate the elusive Dr. Pepper. Total nonsense, but Alex's addiction must be fed. Oh, and the Starbucks addiction must be fed. Oh, and the Krispy Kreme donut addiction must be fed. Oh, and the milkshake addiction must be fed.
Serving these addictions takes time, and we are left with the end of Day 4 (which was really just a shopping day). To recap:
1. Metallica concert - bad.
2. Polanco - good but kind of bland in the way that good can sometimes be.
3. Anti-Theft System - yeah, right!
4. White Horsey/Black Horsey Metro Entry Technique - proper when timed correctly.
5. Various and several American confection addictions - dumb.
End of Day 4 mis amigos!
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